trace

i’m trying to trace the exact date. time. place.

that i became so uncomfortable within myself. i’m so focused on making someone else the center of my world, why? i want to be comfortable alone. maybe if i can get back to that day in my head, remember the moment, the words said, how i felt. i can understand what changed me. what caused the shift in my perception.

was it myself. or someone else. what is it that i’m missing.

i repeatedly rip my heart out of my chest, and extend my hand bloody and full of grime. trying to present it as some sort of gift. but those who want it, will work for it. such malice wont be needed to procure the gem harbored beneath my breast.  it does not need to be offered up as some bribe. it is worth more than a few smiles and sweet skin.

why am i so uncomfortable within, that i force my way into your world. forced my way into his world. and his before that. moments far too soon, only leaving myself crumbled and more rotten than before. when all i wanted was meaning. love. affection. attention.

if i could just get back to that moment. when i lost sight of myself. became ashamed.

maybe then i can nurture myself back. back to the girl who was fearless. to the girl who wasn’t a subject of society, ridiculed by a malnourished definition of beauty, but a lion bold, beautiful and different.

majesty. i want her back. please help me find her.

where is she now. was she ever.

help me.

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